For those of you that know me well, or have read my book, you know that I have spent my life trying to investigate it in some way and am very intense about the quest itself. I've spent my entire adult life looking for answers that I couldn't find in religion, society, politics, or the outside world in any aspect. The closest thing I could get 'out there' was the philosophy of yoga because of it's message of no self.
However, the older I get and the longer I practice the more I also see that that in itself is yet another escape from the realities of the trauma of my life. No ego can be completely destroyed if it's not healthy first. Which leads me to this, my next shit post TED talk.
The yoga world is full of warm embraces, butterflies, good vibes and happiness but that is not the answer to discovering and exploring the conditioning that has built your ego and world view to the one it is today. Until that is realized the false sense of self can not be surpassed or properly dismantled, only fooled.
My journey thus far has made the outside world fall apart, reveal the illusory nature of my perceived reality, think matrix, and leaving the only thing to be investigated... the idea of the perceiver itself to fall apart next. That in itself is the ego, which consists of many many many many layers. I've been attacking those layers for years and have experienced what I call little deaths.
When layers are properly investigated the emotions and beliefs that hold them together shatter and as the beliefs fall apart the emotions that hold them together are experienced and then released. Thus forever changing your idea of your self.
I've had three of these so called little deaths thus far as I've dealt with the identity of my heart, mind, and sense of control. Each of those was a deep and painful process that eventually lead to a change in my relationship with myself and existence as a whole. This is the theme of my next book, which is an exploratory process in and of itself for me. Which is actually why I write.
I knew I wasn't finished, I mean.. is anyone ever... really? But after those two years of three little deaths there was a period of calm but yet something was still deep under the surface that I couldn't seem to reach yet or put my finger on.
The combined forces of the darkness of a northern winter, excessive losses to the business I've spent more than a decade building, and yet another lockdown made me fall into quite a deep dark depression this past December. And once I got there.... there it was. The thing I have been running from my whole life. The thing that created the Jason as we know him and has conditioned my personality and how I deal with the world. Child abuse.
Right there. All along. Boom. A punch to the gut and it all comes flooding back because even though I had rationalized the abuse and forgiven everyone involved as a young adult I had never actually allowed the emotions to come out and be fully processed. It just came out as a madness to the world in general and I've used yoga, intense exercise, and breathing to manage it on my own all these years.
So here I am at another layer, a root of my personal existence, and I'm wandering through an unimaginable darkness that I have been avoiding since I was around 8 years old. Thankfully with the help of a psychologist.
Is there a moral to this story, I have no idea because I'm still very much in it. So like art, make it whatever you want it to be. I just wanted to share where I am at and the true nature of doing the real introspective work of yoga.
A few ideas would be to look deeper, truly confront your shit, never blame the kids nor take your shit out on them because the damage runs deep and can fuck them up for life. I'm just thankful that even through all of this I have been able to build a life and a community around me that can support me now that I am finally here and give me the support and space to completely fall apart.
I'm taking a little farewell from life as I know it right now because this is the biggest priority I have ever had in my life. My mental health. Please... take the time to do the same if any part of yourself is angry, lost, unhappy or uncertain about life. What's the worst that could happen? You walk through the pits of hell only to hopefully come out lighter, more free, and happier on the other side.
The worst part about it all though is that it has taken me this long to get here, but I've made it. However painful and long the process will be I'm still happy I made it this far.