It’s been quite a longtime since I’ve felt very present at the schools, apart from the teacher training course this year I haven’t done much, or written much, in what seems like ages. Now I’d like to share with you why I withdrew. If you’ve read the book you know where I was at, in regards to my practice, a couple of years ago. If you haven’t, well, shit was getting intense and the world around me was changing immensely. That simply escalated and the focus that I had created on Maya (the illusory world) has now been turned to the deep seeds of my ego. That requires an intense amount of focus so I needed to create the time and space to do the looking. That was the beginning of my current withdrawal but what happened during that process is more the cause.
This searing direct line of focus on the ego brought one of the biggest layers into sight for the very first time. I was able to clearly see the ego for what it was just like my previous experience with Maya. This realization was yet another paradigm shift. Just as I was starting to settle into the knowing that nothing is real there was still the ‘me’ to make that observation. So now that there was nothing else to look at only the idea of ‘me’ remained. And when you look at anything long enough it starts to fall apart and that’s what followed.
Upon the deep understanding that I do not exist the ego began to fall apart, like everything else, but one thing I was never taught was how painfully awful it feels. Any ideas of bliss in regards to waking up are the meer after effects of what feels like having your skin slowly removed from the flesh. I don’t know any other way to explain the actual removal of a layer of the ego other than a ‘little death.’ That’s what the big ones feel like, but the death you are mourning is your own. Imagine attending your own funeral. That’s what this is like when you really start to dig deep.
This began to happen to me last autumn and has continued to come in waves ever sense. My yoga practice might have been progressing all this time but that was all still happening very much within the realm of Maya. Now that it’s happening in me, the ego, it’s as if I wasn’t doing anything before this in regards to waking up. I was simply fooling myself into thinking I was. Not to devalue my previous experiences because they got me here, but they were not this! The ego and Maya are some very convincing forces. Now, as the painful cycles of layer removal are finally taking place there is a sense of calm between them because the part of you that was connected to your life and self before is gone. The separation from the idea of self becomes bigger and bigger as the ego starts to get smaller and smaller.
What I’m getting at is that I was no longer connected to Jason or his role and identity because I was too busy trying to tear him apart. I had no interest in playing the role of the character. But, I also know that I have no choice in the matter and that even though I know none of this to be real, myself included, that it’s still where I’m at so I may as well make the most of it.
I don’t think I ever was a real yoga teacher until this happened. Sure, I can give a good asana class but that’s not it. Now that I’ve seen, and am continuing to experience, the effects of actual ego awareness, I can confidently say that I finally know what I’m talking about more so than ever in saying that I know absolutely nothing at all.